Friday, December 21, 2007

On being the type of mom I am.....

I have a friend. A friend that knew me when I was too young to cross the street without permission, when I still wet the bed, and when playing house in first grade there was nothing strange about me because I always wanted to play the dog.

Through life she knew me, she knew me through my personal successes and failures, and even when she knew whatever path I put myself on (usually with a boy) would only end up in heartbreak, she was still there.

We are grown ups now. I don't know how, because there was never a gradutation or a ceremnony, or waking up one morning and feeling like "oh yea... there it is". There is definatley more stuff you have to do. And you have to do it.

I mean you have to have clean children & they need nourishment. and your time. And to be driven places. And your heart to melt, break, and burst with pride all in the same day. Maybe that's what the change is. ...... your heart, maybe on that magical day when you become a grown-up, your ego-cenrtic heart gets replaced with this newer fully expandable one with hidden features ......

I had no idea how much mine could love. ache. melt. fill. break.

Back to my friend. She sent me a message saying i love your blog, you seem like such a good mom...... along that line. And she knows me!!!!!

so i am here to confess..... i am not.....

i loose my temper, i scream, (not often mind you). but i say crazy things, like

"if you can''t act respectful to me then maybe I will call all the people who tell me how wonderful you are & let them know how you treat me, and ask what their secrect is, because you obviously love them way more than me" ................. this i did not find in any parenting book. ashamed to say it's my own brand. and i am ashamed, but I need to let the truth be told. I won't do it .... I think....

I don't want to look at the loose tooth 17 times today. I saw it once. good enough for me. I don't want to hear it crack and i've already mentioned i don't know when it will fall out.

i want to take a nap. phones off, doors locked, left alone. i can't do this because even if they aren't with me they are still my responsibility. people may need to reach me.

i want to pee ALL ALONE, this includes no one in the room, no one standing outside the door talking, and noone silently laying in front of the door shoving their fingers underneath to make me aware of their pressence.

I want to watch a television show in the time allotted. this may sound strage. we have TiVo. we should zip through an hour program in 44 minutes or less. It takes me about 1 1/2 hours. stupid responsibility. how does TiVo end up taking more time, factor in 2 girls.

I want to stop worrying about getting protien into a kid that wants to live on macaroni.

I want a husband who wants to shovel or mow, and organize the garage, or take the car for an oil change, or hang with the kids for an hour.

I say these things, but I know that how life is is the most perfect thing i could have. I love being a mom, and not to say that there aren't times when I've told them that I am on break. (this doen't work by the way, there are no lunch hours, or 15 minute breaks) I am simply saying to someone who knows me well, I have fooled you. This is not easy, so worth it, but not easy.

People just need to know that when you share your life, not just your house or your room, but when you share you life, your time, your heart with others, all that stuff at the top comes with it.

For me it's kind of like a watermelon, even when they tell you it's seedless, sometimes there are those little white seeds. Yucky. But you wouldn't give up on the watermelon over some seeds would you. It's a little bit more work, but you are rewarded with sweetness.

Some days I feel like there are so many seeds that I can't have the energy to spit another one out. Some days i don't realize until i'm done, that there musn't of been any in there. And sometimes I just don't worry about the seeds & I concentrate on the sweet stuff.

So Jennie, thank you for your amazing compliment. But not only do I not have it all together, I'm still looking for the pieces, but i think that's part of the fun.

I love you! I miss you! I'll let you know when to start making the hot chocolate.


Anonymous said...

I love you, too, and thanks for the truth about...everything! (especially about putting myself in timeout for a while...I was wondering if that would work!)

Mom said...

Each time I read something you wrote I am more amazed. You should write a book! Love, Mom