There has been a lot of loss the past couples years. What I have learned is that loss does not always come in the shape of death. It comes as disappointment. It comes as betrayal. It comes as being made a metaphorical punching bag, for the wrongs you are being judged for. Wrongs that are .... well... wrong. Situations that are either misunderstood. Or imagined.
My automatic response to every one of these hurts, these losses. ...is silence.
Not initially. Not when I am alone. When the thoughts of the people taken over the last two years, most way before their time, and one, who shaped me as a person, When I think of those people, the agony, the fear, the gut wrenching pain bubbles up.... I have just enough time to pack it down. Pack it away in an imaginary box, seal it up, and store it in the back of my mind. Waiting for a time when I will be able to let those boxes open. Sort through. Hold onto what is precious. Mourn for what is lost. And maybe shed a tear.
When I think of the people no longer in my life.... It is a different sort of pain. A different hurt. One that, although not as deep, stings more. These losses are by choice. Not by deaths hand, but by their own hand.
There is a fine line between being passive and kind.... and being a doormat. And I am sick of the footprints all over my heart. I deserve better.
Today I am packing away the last of those boxes. For awhile I pray. Because I just don't think that I have room for even one more. And I'm just not ready to sort through the pain. Not yet.
My beautiful sister-in-law Jerilynne asked me ..... "Why is it okay for certain people to hurt your feelings over and over and over , and say things that are not true? Why is it okay for them to do that to you, and you won't strike back? Even when you are right. Even when you are the one with the truth. Do you think you aren't good enough? Do you think you don't deserve it ? ".
I didn't have an answer. I figured that my silence would speak more than my voice ever could. But that isn't the answer. I figured the answer out today ....
I would rather take the pain. Then to hurt back. Why hurt back ? Why hurt anyone at all..... If I hurt back, I will be no different.
When I am ready. I'll "unpack" these boxes in the back of my mind. I'm just not strong enough yet. I'll let in the memories. The sadness. The joy. Of those that were called home before their time...
And the others .... I don't know. I'm tired of having people wipe their feet on me.